F is For
by pipilo
Summary: Fifteen short pieces 100-500 words from Ianto's point of view. Slight spoilers for information revealed in Fragments and Children of Earth. Angst, humour, romance, friendship.
1. Fake

**Fake**

They smile at me as I hand out the coffees. Suzie even goes so far as to say "thanks," then they turn back to their work. They assume I am happy to make the drinks and clean up their mess every day. Ianto, tea boy, the one with no feeling, no cares in life. Everyone ignores Ianto. I pretend to be content with a life on the sidelines. I pretend to care about their squabbles and hardships. I pretend to share their joys. How can any man live for this? I live for one thing only. For Lisa, I hid my true self and began this game of being who I am not. I may seem bitter, but it is better this way. If they took more notice of me, they might see me for what a truly am: a fake.


	2. Feeding

**Feeding**

"Ah ah ah!" I admonish, wagging my finger. "No pudding until you finish the main course." The pterodactyl cocks her head to the side and looks for all the world like a sad, lost puppy (if puppies had beaks and scales) but I stand firm. "No," I say. I climb halfway down the stairs to retrieve the rabbit. The sauce gets all over my suit. Sighing, I take the meal back up to Myfanwy's nest. I put it down in front of her. She looks at me, then at the rabbit, then back at me. Sometimes I think her sole goal in life is to annoy me. "Women!" I mutter as she nudges me, nearly sending me back down the steps with her strength. The puppy eyes are turned to a higher intensity.

"All right," I concede and pick the disgusting slimy carcass back up. My suit is already ruined so I suppose there's no point trying to limit contact with Myfanwy's diner any more. She rears unexcitedly. I make a few pretences of throwing the rabbit which she doesn't fall for Then, I swing my arm back, launch the rabbit into the air and watch as she pushes off the railing. Her flight is majestic and fast. She scoops the rabbit out of the air before it can drop on Tosh's work station. Returning to me with a pleased look, she proudly presents me with a fluffy brown foot.

She knows she has earned her desert and I can never deceive her. Eagerly she waits, hopping from one scaly foot to the other as I unwrap the slab of luxuriously dark chocolate. This she lets me feet to her strait from my hand. I pat her head absently, thinking how much I enjoy feeding time. Myfanwy in my one friend in the hub. But she can be such a pain sometimes. Speaking of pains, Janet will be getting hungry and she does not like to be kept waiting.


	3. Frozen

**Frozen**

My heart pounds in my chest and against my ears. How can it be I am so alive? So alive now when my life lies in shattered pieces around me?

_Lisa..._

I feel as cold as the metal body I cradle on the floor. Blood bathes my hands. I wonder where it comes from, me? Or perhaps the sawn off top of my love's head. It strikes me as odd that in this world of individuals, when it comes down to it, we all bleed the same.

I can hear the others moving around behind me but I am separated from them by a tundrid wall of ice. I feel so apart from the world around me. I feel so numb. Lisa, my Lisa is dead, killed by my Jack's hand and I feel nothing.

_Lisa's dead. Lisa was murdered by your friends. Lisa wanted to kill you, Lisa killed others. You failed her. Lisa's gone. Lisa's dead._

I repeat it over and over, waiting for the blinding rage to take me or the dark sorrow to drown me but it does not come. I'm frozen. I cannot move from this place on the cold floor, streaked with rivulets of blood. My mind is like ice.

The end of the world, my world has come and I am frozen inside.


	4. Failure

**Failure**

I've had a lot of time to think recently. Torchwood took my life so since I was suspended, I've had nothing left but time on by hands. By rights, I should be dead. I've thought a lot about my life. What was the point in it? I've been on this Earth for twenty-six years and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. My life has been one big failure.

I left University so full of hope. That was my chance, to break away from the past. London, the city where everything happens, the city where I failed. I'd almost given up when I met Lisa. Those nights, her flat, mine, then the night she took me to her office. I knew she had a gun but I never asked what she did, I suppose I was afraid to know. I wish I had never known.

Torchwood one was another new start, a great opportunity. I was a lowly filing clerk in a huge organisation, but this was _Torchwood_. I worked on the same floor as Lisa. Some may have thought my job boring but I loved it. I was soon promoted, I was given more responsibility over the records then I was transferred into alien archives. It was the same job only at twice the pay and I got to handle alien object, real alien objects. Torchwood 1 was so amazing and look what happened.

There was nothing I could do. They were terrifying creatures, all cold. They were not human, but what made it worse was that we knew, we knew that deep inside, they were. I should have done something but I ran and I hid. From the slats in the side of the storage container, I watched as they dragged away my friends, killing those who put up too much of a fight. I was too afraid, too weak to do anything. I failed them.

I found Lisa in the wreckage. She was still alive. When my world came crashing down around me, a lifeline was thrown to me. I pulled her out, and took her home, after that, there was nothing I could do but listen to her moans of pain. I made her a promise then, I promised that I would always look after her, that I would find a way to heal her and that we would be together forever. I failed to keep my promise.

I failed Lisa.

Now, when it's all over and I can see my life for the failure it really is, why am I most ashamed of failing _him_? I failed my team, Tosh, Owen, Gwen and Jack.

I failed Jack.


	5. Friends

**Friends**

"I start to notice something fishy when the medical students are all teenaged girls staring and drooling."

Owen snorts.

"fifty-first century pheromones, remember? So anyway, when I'm told to strip, I realise this is not your normal medical exam. The whole thing was a set up to see me in my full glory."

Gwen snorts into her drink, adding to the humour of the moment. I can't hold back a laugh and soon we're all in stitches. Jack has that smug look on his face that he sports after every successful anecdote. I'd be surprised if half of them were true.

Tosh reaches out for the last slice of meat feast pizza but seeing her intentions, Owen snatches it first. I expect Tosh to just let it go so it's a surprise to us all when she dives across the table and wrestles it out of his hand. She dances out of the way as Owen tries to tackle her but leaves herself open for Gwen to grab the slice. To break them up, Jack throws a chip, hitting Tosh squarely on the face. I'm too busy laughing to join in at first as it escalates to a full blown food fight. I know I'll be the one clearing up after but when a slice of pizza lands in my lap, I tear off my napkin, stand on my chair and throw it back.

This is what I love, eating dinner with my colleagues and having a food fight with my friends.


	6. Filing

**Filing**

The thud of the box dropping on he steel table rings loudly in the silence. No one comes down here, no one but me. I open the box and flip to a new page on my clipboard. I pull out an object at random. It seems to be some kind of alien tool. I patiently fill out the form then place the tool and the carbon copy in a drawer. The original form goes in the corresponding file on the shelves by the door. I make a reference label and stick it to the front of the file before turning to the box again.

The next item gives me cause to pause in my work. It's a photo frame, an alien photo frame admittedly, with advanced technology, but still a photo frame. It is blank at the moment. I turn it over and select a thumbnail from the back turning it over, I can see the blown up moving picture. It is a portrait of a young man and woman. The hand of the person taking the picture is visible, giving a thumbs up to the camera. A look watch the woman for a minute or two, her boyfriend tickles her and she laughs. She has an amazing smile. I smile back before thinking how stupid it is. She's dead, I wrote the death certificate myself: _death by Torchwood_. I turn of the image and fill in the form.

I've done this a million times, when the others have finished with an object or one of their adventures, I clean up the pieces, file the reports and archive and objects that have come from it. However, this time I'm packing away a person's life. I've done it before but it never gets any easier. She was just another average woman who got caught up with aliens. In the end, we had to intervene. Like so many people, I've erased any traces of her life. No one, not even her boyfriend or brother know she existed, nor will they ever find out. I am the last person to handle the life of Aimee Tuttle. I wonder if I'll be the last person to remember her.


	7. Fluff

**Fluff**

I decided to try Mediterranean dish today. Jack says he likes it when I experiment. I lift the lid on the steamer and taste the couscous, it's almost ready. I take the plates from the radiator in the living room where they were warming nicely. I return just in time to swat Jack's hand away from the vegetables. Pushing him back down into his chair is obviously what he wanted because he is ready to pull me down as well and pin me against him. I protest half heartedly, I really have to put the food out. He lets me go but gives be that look of his, perfect puppy eyes, so I go back as give him a quick kiss, managing to dance out of his arms.

The couscous, veg and sauce make it onto the plates without incident. I place the food on the table with a flourish, then turn and strike a provocative pose. Jack teases with a soft slap before relishing his task of untying my apron. He only promised to not laugh at the fact I wear an apron to cook if he could take it off himself, I readily agreed. I squeal as he picks me up and settles me in his arms like a baby. Its kind of comfy and I snuggle closer (if possible) breathing in his distinctive scent. I suppress a laugh as he reaches across for a fork and it comes to my lips loaded with food. I obediently open my mouth for him to feed me.

Behind the playful scene, I know there is something deeper. I've never been with anyone like Jack (how can anyone be like Jack) but what I am referring to is his need to look after me. He always tries to take care of me, it is a role he craves and to be honest, I don't mind it one bit.

He misses my mouth and the couscous spills into the hollow of my neck. To my surprise (and though I feign indignation) delight, He draws me closer and nibbles the food from my neck. It tickles, making me squirm a bit. When he pulls back, he is beaming from ear to ear. "You were right," he says, "couscous does taste better steamed," before bringing us back together for a kiss.


	8. Fear

**Fear**

I'm frozen in time, watching. People lie dead all around me. They had no chance, none at all. It's my fault but there is nothing I can do this time to put it right. As the dark figure in the sky turns in slow motion, I learn what fear really is. Abaddon seems to fix his eyes on us. I can hear in my head, 'the brave Ianto is afraid.' As he, it, starts walking towards us, I know this is the end. Ianto Jones is facing the end of days and he is terrified.


	9. Fun

**Fun**

Monopoly was one of those games I always enjoyed I my youth. It was quite a disappointment that I was the only one in the family who felt that way. That's why it made my day when Jack announced instead of going to the pub like we usually did on a Friday evening, we were staying in for a game.

We were not very far into the game when I rolled a four and my piece (a crude model of a blowfish) landed on the chance space. I picked up a chance card to be greeted by a black and white drawing of a rhinoceros in armour.

Of cause, nothing is never normal with Jack, not even Monopoly.

"Go to the Shadow Proclamation. Go directly to the Shadow Proclamation. Do not enter the vortex. Do not refuel."

I move my blowfish to the appropriate square and pass the card around to much amusement.

Owen's turn next. "How much is it to enter orbit around," he pauses, shooting Jack a look before attempting "Shikoalopephie?"

Gwen pulls the appropriate card from the 'vault'. "320 fuel," she quotes before exchanging the card for Owen's defaced monopoly money.

Tosh's go comes next and she successfully completes the green galaxy while a double roll allows her to refuel as well. Owen accuses Jack of rigging the game. I immediately jump to his rescue. A mock argument breaks out (again) culminating in Tosh being tickled to death on the floor by Owen. Gwen is laughing so hard that I can see tears leaking from her eyes. Jack just looks at me and I understand perfectly what he is saying in that look.

We have such fun here at Torchwood. Can you say your job is ever like this?


	10. Family

**Family**

"But there's no way she's getting the job," Rhiannon says. "I says to her, 'focus on what you're doing now.' I'm not trying to be mean but, sorry, there's just no way. Know what I'm saying?"

"Mm-hm," I inject as she pauses for breath. It appears to be enough because the next moment, she's off again.

"And Johnny agrees with me an' all…"

I tune out the rest of her words, nodding whenever she looks me way. I do love my sister, really but if anyone talks too much, it's her. She sets a chipped mug down in front of me which I frown at but she doesn't notice.

"An it'll be me she blames when this is all over."

I take a sip out of the mug. Whatever else my sister is, she is a true Jones and she makes the famous Jones coffee.

David runs in at that point, to my horror waving my gun. I wrestle it off his and ask where he got it. "It was in your coat, Uncle Ianto," he sheepishly explains. I look across to his parents for help. No such look.

"What the blazes are you doing bringing a gun into my house?" Johnny says. "Why've you got a gun anyway?"

"Oh, it's..." I sit down and take another sip of the coffee. "It's not real, just a prop, a toy. Someone at the office gave it to me. I just don't want the kids thinking it's ok to play with such things.

Mica climbs up to sit on my knee while Rhiannon strikes up her one sided conversation again.

I surreptitiously take out my phone. Surely the team will have come across a critical problem which only I can solve by now?


	11. Flirt

**Flirt**

Jack orders "Formation A" before we get out of the SUV. With a practiced authority, we walk in a V formation towards the line of police tape. Unsure about our presence, people stand by to let us pass. Look like you belong in a place and usually people don't question you. We are about to duck under the tape when a women in uniform firmly plants herself in our path.

"Hello there," Jack says, shining his winning smile.

"This is a crime scene," she states in a voice clearly used to being obeyed.

"We're Torchwood," Jack replies as if that mitigates all argument and technically, it does.

She stands firm. "I don't care who you are…" she gasps slightly as Jack steps forward so they are almost touching. This serious breach of personal space and the shock of his distinctive scent make her take a step backwards. Unfortunately for her, the police tape is in her way and knocks her off balance. Jack reaches out with one arm around her back and pulls her against his muscular chest. "I've got you," he breaths in her ear.

Evidently embarrassed, she says "Look, uh, Captain-"

"Jack," he corrects.

"-Uh, Jack, this is a restricted area you can't just…"

"How about was talk about this later, hmm?"

No one can resist the Harkness charm and I can see the police officer beginning to crack.

Owen roles his eyes at us then ducks under the tape and approaches the knot of men in disposable paper overalls. We all follow except Jack who seems to be 'busy'.

He will flirt with anyone or anything. Once, in one of those weird conversations you find yourself looking back at and asking yourself 'where the hell did that come from?' we tried to put a label on his sexuality. Bisexual seemed too restricting so we settled on Owens's suggestion of 'Omnisexual'.

Gwen keeps shooting little concerned glances in my direction. She doesn't understand. I don't mind Jack flirting because I know, at the end of the day, he will always come back to my bed and that's all that matters. Captain Jack Harkness could have anyone he wanted but he chose me.


	12. Fragile

**Fragile**

Jack moans and tosses his head again. I've been watching him sleep for about half an hour now. His noises of distress have been becoming louder and more frequent. I smooth the crumpled blanket and pull the duvet back up to his neck. Cupping his head and whispering in his ear stills him but when I settle down, he becomes agitated again. This is nearly a nightly occurrence so I am not too startled when he bolts up and screams. Finding himself awake, he sits still, panting heavily, eyes darting around the room. "Jack." His eyes flick to me and he practically throws himself into my arms. I comfort him with wordless nonsense while stroking his trembling back. No one but me know just how fragile the great Captain Harkness really is.


	13. Frogs

**Frogs**

Gwen tries to stifle a laugh with limited success.

"Shh!" Tosh whispers. "He'll hear us." She glances at her handheld computer. "It's not far now."

"Have you still got them?" I ask.

"Yes," Gwen says. "You are a wonder Ianto. Where did you get frogs at such short notice?"

I tap the side of my nose in a secretive manner but in the dark cramped space, I'm not sure she sees.

"Where are we now?"

Tosh answers from the front of our little group, "We should be under the main work stations so keep your voice down."

"Oh, right."

I can hear movement above us as we crawl on. The light from the torch gripped between my teeth swings about casting great shadows on the wall. The effect is quite creepy. I suppose that's why we all jump when Jacks voice clearly sounds, echoing around the tunnel from the hub above: "Owen! Come up here a minute, I want to speak to you."

I catch the girls' eyes but have to look away as the only was to avoid bursting out laughing and giving our position away. We wait until the footsteps have died away before crawling on.

Gwen breaks the silence again. "This'll give him a heart attack."

"He's dead," I point out. "Do dead men have heart attacks? No. No pulse, no heartbeat, no heart attacks."

"All right."

"We're here," Tosh announces.

"Ready?"

"Ready."

"Ready."

Tosh pushes aside a panel in the side of the tunnel and light spills in. One by one, we climb out into the garishly white autopsy bay. I glance around to make sure it is deserted. There is a camera in the corner but Tosh already took the CCTV down for 'maintenance'. It is however still recording into a password protected file for us to view later at our leisure.

We huddle together and look down at the cardboard box Gwen is reverently holding. Owen has one fear in this world where death cannot even touch him. Gwen opens the box and I gently lift a slimy brownish green frog out from inside. I set it down o the floor and it hops away. Tosh takes a spray bottle from ear the sink and sprays the floor with water to make the frogs more comfortable as Gwen and I continue to unload our amphibious friends.

We exchange a glee filled look before hurrying back to the tunnel, taking care to avoid the frogs. Tosh pulls the panel closed just in time. We hear Owen walking down the stairs, stopping, and then the screaming starts.


	14. Fire

**Fire**

I see red. The flames lick around my mind. The tears will come later. Right now, I am angry, more angry than I have ever been. I don't know what to do with this feeling. I can't hold it in. I'm on _fire_. It is so unfair. Tosh and Owen. Owen and Tosh. What did they do? What did they ever do to deserve this? They're _dead. It burns me from the inside. Gwen and Jack are weeping together. I cannot join them. I want to rip Gray to pieces, tear him apart. I want to punch the wall and break them down. I want to scream until my lungs burst. I want to throw myself into the inferno and burn into dust._


	15. Forever

**Forever**

We lie on Jack's bed under his office. His arm is draped around my shoulders and I'm still basking in his glow.

"Jack?"

"Hmm?"

"You know I love you?"

"Hmm."

We lie in silence again for a moment.

"Jack?"

"hmm?"

"I understand you can't love me." He looks serious now and opens his mouth to protest. I place my finger against his lips and sadly shake my head. "No Jack. I just want you to know I understand that one day I will leave you. One day I'll be gone to the place you can never follow and you'll move on. I love you and I hope you think of me sometimes, at least for the first few years."

"No." Jack says, his voice firm. "Even when you are gone, you will always be with me. I will make sure you are not forgotten until the end of time. Ianto Jones, I will love you forever."

I smile and lay myself back against his chest. I can't help thinking, for one so old, how can he be so naive? But I wish it were so. I wish we could have forever.


End file.
